I've decided to write today because one of my New Years Resolutions is to blog more often and share a little more of "me"; whether it be about highs or lows, school or family. Well, today I'm taking the leap to share a low moment.
For a while now I've been feeling quite bamboozled. (What that truly means, I don't know, but it's the word that flowed from brain to fingers so I'll leave it in.) You see, whaiāipo and I have been trying for baby number six for a while now and it seemed as though our prayers to St Gerard had been answered but this time last month (around 8 weeks pregnant), I miscarried. I've been so angry with myself for losing the baby. Lots of blame thrown on myself. "Why did you move all those heavy fence posts by yourself? Why did you help the neighbour lift that cast iron bath onto the back of their truck?" but the most repetitive question of all is simply, "why?"
Now, for somebody who remains positive through any ordeal, I have to say, I've had lots of feelings of self-pity, remorse and frustration recently and I haven't enjoyed such feelings one little bit.
Okay, so you could possibly sum it up that I'm going through a grieving process and I'll accept that to a certain degree.
Am I looking for sympathy? No.
Honestly, I'm not.
I'm just looking to accept it and move on.
I'm annoyed because my thoughts are overshadowing everything. For example, the last two weeks I have been tidying our books and paperwork ready for a new school year. As part of that process I was supposed to be looking for a pre-pared curriculum because by the end of last year I had pretty much sold myself on the idea that we need to try a set curriculum.
For days now I have been meaning to look over suggested curricula I was directed to back in my "considering curricula" stage. The trouble is, I find myself lacking motivation to bother looking.
As I said above - I simply want to accept it and move on ... yet I'm struggling today.
So, this afternoon I thought it might be a good idea to write it down in the hopes that it helps.
Has it helped?
I'm not sure ... maybe ... I think so ...
I've at least decided I want to revisit Ambleside Online quite seriously. There's even a couple of tabs open on the screen to start reading, and if I can just snap myself to attention, I may even print out the reading list. There's a load of questions I have yet to figure out with Ambleside Online. The biggest one of all of course is "where do we start?"
Am I feeling better now?
Yes, actually I think it's helped to share this ...
Thanks for listening ...
I think I'm ready to look at Ambleside Online now ...
Thanks for dropping by
ka kite ano